{{NSFW}}
Hello there. This is your father. I'm going to tell you today a special story that I never wanted to tell you face to face about. It's the story of how your grandma was raped and almost killed by a reindeer.
A long time ago, when I was just 10, I went on a hiking trip with Grandma and my Cousin Mel (I'll get to why Mel isn't in our family anymore later) up one of the Appalachian Mountains. I thought it was a great form of exercise, and Grandma said if she reached the top of the mountain, she would actually be proud of her life. (I asked her if having a family was a great part of her life and she still hasn't answered that question)
However, Cousin Mel had different intentions of going on the mountain hike. In the background, Grandma managed a very successful store in our town called "Spankenheimer's", and if Grandma were to die, she would sign the store over to Cousin Mel. A buyer for the store once came in and talked to Mel, saying that if anyone ever sold the store, the buyer would "make the seller a millionaire". On the hike with limited food, Mel knew this was the perfect time to kill Grandma. Mel opened a pack of trail mix and put what she thought was rat poison that she stole from Grandma's store and put it in the mix. What Mel didn't know was that she also had Reindeer Attraction Liquid in the same pocket as the poison, and she put that into the trail mix instead of the poison. I have no idea how I have knowledge of all this, but this mix-up would lead to the most horrifying event of my childhood.
When me, Grandma and Cousin Mel stopped to take a break hiking, we each ate a snack. Me and Cousin Mel each had filling sandwiches and apples. Grandma ate a sandwich and the Reindeer Attraction Liquid-filled trail mix. We continued our hike up the mountain, unaware that Rape Deer was at the top of the mountain.
Here's Rape Deer's backstory for all you people that belong to a religion and believe that "God" exists but not Rape Deer: Rape Deer was originally born in Scotland, but moved to America due abuse from his own family. (There was also a famine or something) Arriving in America, he was dropped off right near a zoo on the American coastline. He didn't need to travel far to find a nice forest to live in. But, whenever he tried finding food or going out of hiding, zookeepers tried to catch him. The zookeepers always hurt Rape Deer in their pursuits. One day, when one boy zookeeper and one girl zookeeper tried to catch Rape Deer, he killed the boy to death (mainly by use of the moves the zookeepers previously used on him) and raped the girl zookeeper by ripping her pants open and ejaculating all the sperm he had produced over his entire lifetime into her vagina. She later died in the emergency room by choking on sperm. Since the incident, Rape Deer escaped the police who would have shot him dead to move up to one of the Appalachian Mountains to live a life where any girl who climbed the full mountain he would rape and any boy that climbed the full mountain he would kill.
When we reached the mountaintop, the family had a huge celebration hug and Grandma cried tears of joy while Cousin Mel wondered why Grandma hadn't died yet. Suddenly, Rape Deer came out of disguise from hiding below a bush and said "HERE'S JOHNNY, LASSIES!"
The whole family screamed the loudest each of us had ever screamed and we all tried to run away, but Rape Deer caught Cousin Mel. While me and Grandma tried to get Cousin Mel back by staying, Rape Deer said "Oh, this is sure a plump ass, lassie! And this lassie vagina gets my sperm mamas pregnant quick, lassie!" While Rape Deer held Cousin Mel tightly after ripping her pants off, he began to masturbate faster than Sonic The Hedgehog can to get his sperm soldiers into enemy turf. All of Rape Deer's saved for a month, warm, plentiful sperm was just about to go into Cousin Mel's vagina when he smelled the Reindeer Attraction Liquid from the trail mix, now in Grandma's ass. Rape Deer said "It looks like I smell something attracting, lassie!" Rape Deer "picked up" Cousin Mel by stabbing her with his blood-stained antlers and threw her off the mountain to plummet toward her death.
Rape Deer ran after Grandma and tackled her to the ground in a great sex position for him. In a second, Rape Deer's sperm began to leak into Grandma's vagina. She screamed for me to run for my life. I was terrified at the moment. My childhood had been destroyed right before my eyes. I was crying because I didn't know how to save Grandma. I loved her so much, and Rape Deer was going to take all of my love from here away in a second. But just then, I felt my love for Grandma overcome my fear of one of the smartest rapists in the world. I threw a heavy rock a Rape Deer's head when he was still working on Grandma and said "Leave her alone, you dumb-lass!"
Rape Deer, who now had a huge, bleeding bump on his head, got up from his session with Grandma slowly. Grandma ran towards me and hugged me. Rape Deer looked deep into my eyes with a strong anger. After we thought he was traumatized in his brain when he was silent for a minute, we began to run away from Rape Deer, leaving all of our supplies and weapons on the mountain. But before we even got 20 feet away from Rape Deer, he shouted at the top of his lungs: "NO ONE GETS AWAY FROM RAPE DEER, LASSIES!"
Rape Deer ran towards us as we tried to run faster down the mountain. With no weapons, we couldn't kill Rape Deer. Whenever we tried to outsmart Rape Deer by making him run into a tree or boulder, his body smashed through it like he was running into styrofoam. Rape Deer was gaining speed on us. Me and Grandma knew that the only way to escape the mountain alive was to injure him again so that we could get a big head start towards our car at the bottom of the mountain. But how could we injure him if he can break through boulders now? Suddenly, I had an idea. I asked Grandma if I could use her huge, lucky arrowhead stone in her pocket given to her by her now dead spouse. She said that this was the only memory of my grandfather, but I told her to trust me with tears in my eyes. She gave the arrowhead to me. I only had one shot of getting this right, so I aimed for Rape Deer's stomach and threw the arrowhead. It successfully injured him. This time he stayed down long enough so that me and Grandma could get in the car and drive away from that horrible mountain memory forever.
Today, Grandma still owns her store and she still makes lots of money owning it. I have a wife now, and she coped with me when I told her the story of Rape Deer. (Last week, she made me see a psychiatrist to tell my story to, though.) Grandma's only problem with that experience today is that every night while she's asleep, she can still here the final thing that Rape Deer said to us: "NO ONE GETS AWAY FROM RAPE DEER, LASSIES!", but as the song goes:
Grandma got raped by a reindeer
We got back to our safe house Christmas Eve
You may say there's no such thing as Rape Deer
But as for me and Grandma, we believe...